Sunday, December 1, 2013

Curiosity...


This is a difficult thing for me to express. Something that's been a part of me for so long and I think hiding it has contributed to my depression. I am bi-curious and have known for about half my life already. I for a long time hid this part of me even from myself. At 18 years old I did have an "under the influence" experience with a friend and to this day I have never forgotten the slightest moment of it.

I can't explain as to why I have hidden this part of me. My mom is a lesbian and I have always been told to do and feel what makes me happy. I hope to find out one day why I have denied this part of me.

For about seven months now my husband knows I am, which has helped (and of course he is intrigued.) Something I have decided for myself is to no longer hide this part of me. I instead want to foster it, which is no easy task. Where exactly do I start to foster it? I'm guessing here is a start.

I have come to realize that no matter the aspect, we shouldn't hide a part of who we are. People who truly love us will not care what we are afraid to show or express. If they shun you for a part of who you are, then they aren't worth your love and their love is not strong enough to accept you.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Depression Medicine

Depression medication and myself do not get along. I don't understand why and doctors have tried so many in all "categories" there are. I've researched reasons as to why meds don't work for everyone and I have come to the conclusion that I have a high tolerance. Not only the other reasons can't be why (ie not enough weeks to allow for the med to work,) but also because my tolerance to other medications is pretty high as well. Oh how aggravating it is! I have felt like a guinea pig since I was a teen. At this point I have given up on finding anything. The on/off meds thing is pure torture and I said enough is enough. Though now I have to find ways to cope on my own. That's not too easy or fun either, but at least I'm not some doctor experiment anymore.

Have you had medication issues? If so, what have you done or what do you do about it?

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Wishing To Be Perfect

Have you ever wished that you could be perfect in everything you do? I sure have, and I still do. When I'm not on top of my game with anything and everything in life I easily fall apart and want to give up. It's a major flaw of mine I can't seem to repare. This flaw that I deal with on a daily basis adds to my depression. When I'm at work, I get mad at myself if I do something wrong. When I get grades back from my professors and they aren't perfect scores, I feel like an idiot (deep down I know I'm not.) When I get angry at my boys, I sit back and think I'm not a good enough mother for them. When my husband and I have an argument about something, I feel I'm not good enough of a wife for him. When I write my poetry and read back over it, I feel like it's not good enough. Then what makes the whole thing seem so very insane.....I feel stupid for thinking the way I do. Ha...I just can't get my head on straight, EVER.

I understand that perfection doesn't exist. Just have to do your best. I feel most of the time I do, but I still wish I was better. I'm sure many people out there have similar feelings about it and I hope if some of you do you can handle it better than I do.

Something that's really screwed up is I seem to know where a good chunk of my depression comes from, I just can't seem to fix it. I hope that expressing to whomever reads the words I throw out helps in some way. A sort of self - therapy thing. I also hope that you who are reading can know and understand you are not alone in ways you feel.

Monday, November 25, 2013

CLOSURE

  
Closure is an excellent and important moment in life. It is definitely not easy to come by though. As stated in my previous post I finally let a negative family member go. This extreme release in my life has brought me to an epiphany that has been long needed. I am utterly grateful to my mom for moving me away from the family I thought I needed growing up. When I was little I felt lonely and longed to be with them and 'belong'. I had for so long blamed my mom for "taking me away." I see now the reasoning for her decision and I thanked her. I thanked her for showing me how to be a self - thinker and how to truly love. For teaching me to not be selfish and to give. My mom gave me my open loving heart. I will be eternally grateful for my mom's difficult decision. This experience has lightened my heart and freed a painful place in my soul.

I love you mom, I love you for loving me.

I also forgive myself for thinking as I did. I was a scared and lonely child. Children just want to feel whole. They want strength from the love from their family. They wish to smile and it be true. I wanted to belong. Now, I know I don't need to belong to all corners of my family. I belong to my mom and I belong in my family with my children. That's all I need, that's all what matters. I trust those who love me and I trust in the voices within. 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Standing My Ground


Have you ever been so angry yet so proud of sticking up for yourself that it gives you an adrenaline high? For the first time ever I have today! My oldest sister has been so mean to me for a while now and I had it and finally exploded. See, I didn't grow up around my siblings. We have a different mom and we grew uo in different states. I decided to move here 5 years ago to be near them. Boy was it a bad idea. It has caused me more anguish than I care to count. That's ok though because I can never say, what if? This sister has made me cry on and off for almost 2 years now. She has had nothing to do with me and has not even cared about my children. Whew! The shaking still hasn't stopped but I feel pretty good and proud. Now I can't say I chickened out anymore. Now I feel like I can move on from her bullying and release her from my soul. I have done nothing but love her and she didn't want it. That's her loss and future regret, and it's my freedom.